These came off the mets fugees board..A great story is a great story and even better when it's one we can relate to.

Originally Posted by DeeKay7685 View Post
I just took a shit. Turd came out smooth. The toilet paper was "clean" no streak or smudge!
Sometimes shits are messy though. When home I wipe, then clean my hole with liquid soap and water before drying myself. Sometimes I rub some moisturizing lotion to make sure I am "fresh".

Probably should tell him in the azrider household that is what we refer to as the Virgin shit.

Originally Posted by MoMoneyMoProblems
There is also the fact that when we got back to her place I needed to drop a fat shit, which I absolutely should have done at the restaurant but did not for some reason. No spray, no candles, no nothin. I was praying she didn't have to use the bathroom for a few minutes after I went, but of course the universe hates me and she went in like 3 minutes later. I'm thinking that Eu de MoMo did not help the situation.

Seriously those guys are fucking awesome over there.

Men over the years have gotten out of the habit of carrying a handkerchief in their pocket. Should allways have one in your pocket, never know when you might need it. You used to be able to go into a corner store and you'd see a cardboard rack on the wall with Have-a-Hank handkerchiefs attached to them. You don't see that anymore.

I’m at my favorite place

the airport restroom?

Picked up some extra of those courtesy moist towelettes at famous dave's the other day... at home I'm a believer in the flushable wet wipes. They save me from taking an extra shower every other day if I don't properly time my shit. Kind of concerned about using one. I eat a lot of hot food and feel that combined from what appears some strong disinfecting properties they could cause extreme discomfort. I mean if you have to drive home, it's kinda difficult to do it standing, especially when you drive stick cause you can't sit cause your ass is on fire.

It's probably very similar to those wipes at KFC, hell they all probably come from the same manufacturer. Has anyone tried one out and are they safe.

Just your average 10-12 inch log... solid, good consistency wasn't expecting a half a roll of toilet paper and three wet wipes to clean up tho. Should've been a quickie.

My stomach was telling me it was time to shit and pronto but the team didnt show up to the game and I was left with nothing to show for it.

702 wrote:My stomach was telling me it was time to shit and pronto but the team didnt show up to the game and I was left with nothing to show for it.

Here I sit
Broken-hearted
Came to shit
But only farted

phatj wrote:

702 wrote:My stomach was telling me it was time to shit and pronto but the team didnt show up to the game and I was left with nothing to show for it.

Here I sit
Broken-hearted
Came to shit
But only farted

The shithouse poet strikes again!

Today I went on a four-building, seven-bathroom magical quest for an unoccupied shitter

TenuredVulture wrote:Is there a word for a fart poop combination? I'm doing that right now.


Duh. Shart. But I always think of that as a poop that feels like a Farr, whereas this is more a Fart that feels like a poop.

If you don't make it to the lounge its refered to as bes-hitting yourself

phatj wrote:Today I went on a four-building, seven-bathroom magical quest for an unoccupied shitter

How were that many people shitting at once. sheesh.

702 wrote:

phatj wrote:Today I went on a four-building, seven-bathroom magical quest for an unoccupied shitter

How were that many people shitting at once. sheesh.

Most of the bathrooms have two stalls or only one.

phatj wrote:

702 wrote:

phatj wrote:Today I went on a four-building, seven-bathroom magical quest for an unoccupied shitter

How were that many people shitting at once. sheesh.

Most of the bathrooms have two stalls or only one.

This is like the opposite of what happened to me tonight. I was doing campus roaming as my weekend duty and I was responsible for walking around the whole campus looking for students smoking or having sex or whatnot. I suddenly had the urge to go and realized that I had my choice of at least 37 boys bathrooms, and almost certainly they were all unoccupied. I chose top floor of the middle tower in the secondary building because I like symmetry and figured the top floor was the least likely to have visitors.

Uncle Milty wrote:The only joy in public pooping is sharing it with others.

Well...sharing and the feeling of lightness you get after a good, solid poop.

I had an unusually satisfying PM BM.

Mouth full of mei fun + sneeze = an exciting round of find the noodle chunk

Well i hope it didn’t end up there

Had my third liquid poop of the day, with rumblings of unfinished business. Yet I feel fine, aside from a little chafing.

Here ya go, people:

I was on my way down I-77 this weekend for a wedding. On my way down, I decided to stop and see something that I had known had been in Charlotte for years, a comic shop called Heroes Aren't Hard to Find with a cool Doctor Octopus statue that overlooks the whole store. I told my wife I wanted to do this, and she said that this was alright.

Right after that, I stopped by Bojangles for some Cajun biscuits. One for me, one for the wife, my kid was in the back seat sleeping, so he was out. I ate mine, and my wife decides that she doesn't want hers, so I eat that too.

The problem? I'm on metformin for Type 2 Diabetes (yeah, shouldn't have been at Bojangles, but I was craving them). If I eat like that, I tend to have to shit pretty badly.
We turned off of I-77 to go to my shop, and the urge to shit came suddenly and with much aggression. My colon was screaming out with the force of a thousand suns. All had to vacate the premises immediately. However, we were at an intersection with an inoperable traffic light and a local officer was conducting the flow of traffic. My colon was trying to conduct the flow of shit, and I was intent on stopping it. I was thinking to myself, "no, colon! I am in control here! You are the body part! I am the owner of the body!"

Finally, the cop let us go and I started towards the shop. I then ended up stopped behind a school bus while a middle school is letting out for the afternoon. There was a church nearby, and in my home area, some churches are open all the time. I was really, really hoping this might be the case, and the urge was climbing and I couldn't stop it, so I had to make a hail mary effort and at least see if it was an option.
I park next to the church, and it is locked. Two doors down to the church is some building labeled an actor's studio. They seem to have a back yard that is secluded. I needed to go somewhere because the shit was coming, I couldn't stop it, and I didn't want to shit my pants in front of a bunch of middle school students.

I promptly ran behind a studio, and as I ran, a river of liquid shit began to expel from my asshole. I felt great shame.
My shorts were ruined. It was raining. I was miserable.

Next to the actor's studio there was a clearing of some sort and nobody could see me. I began to wallow in my shame and then thought I had to do something about this. As the rain fell on me, I thought maybe I could get the rain to somewhat wash my shorts. My underwear was destroyed and would remain at the clearing, tucked under a shrub.

I had to wash my asshole. It was that watery tan-brown shit with chunks, the kind that gets everywhere. I took my socks off and decided that they would also be casualties. I wiped my ass with my socks, left them with my underwear, and began to wash my shorts with rainwater and leaves. It worked enough to make the shorts wearable.

However, as I was doing this, mosquitos sensed the human excrement around and decided that the source of the shit would make a pretty tasty meal. As I was finishing up, I got very itchy around my legs, and yes, on my ass. They went to town on me, and as I type this I have bites up and down both legs. I look like I have some sort of skin disease. At my worst, the itching was so bad on the drive that I begged my wife to kill me. She refused.

My shitty underwear and socks were abandoned in the middle of Charlotte.