THIS IS A LONG STORY




Oh, that was a disaster. My homelessness was kind of a joke, though I did have to crash at a friend's apartment for a night or two while I got a place. State College is notoriously bad for finding decent apartments on short notice because, as opposed to anyplace in the real world, you have to sign a lease almost a year in advance of moving in. I'm a procrastinator to the point that anytime anyone says they're a procrastinator it offends me, like a whiteboy wearing FUBU should offend a black dude. There was one summer I got kicked out of a sublet two weeks early without prior notice (though to be fair I did get a rebate on my rent) and had to crash on a friend's couch for a week before starting at my new place.

The following summer, though, it became apparent that I wasn't going to be staying in the same place (a frathouse where I was a boarder, not a brother, who rented a room on the 3rd floor and hated life). I had no roommate possibilities to speak of because, as is tradition, everyone had already signed a lease for August by the prior October. Left without options, I hit up a relatively nascent State College Craigslist and found an ad for an apartment in Westside Village, a one-year-old development on the west side of campus. Apparently a kid who was supposed to move in with his friends from the Behrend Campus (in Erie) had withdrawn before the semester started, and his mom was trying desperately to get someone to take over his spot on the lease. I went to the rental office first thing in the morning to sign the lease and there was a dude there trying to do the same. We agreed to flip a coin. Flipping a coin to see if I had a roof over my head, that was pretty nuts.

I lost the coin toss. Dude said he might be moving to another place with his friend, though, and the rental office wouldn't let me sign the lease because he had right of first refusal for it until the next day (when the lease officially started). Later that day, they called me and told me he decided to move in with his friend and that I could come sign the lease. I moved in, got to know the guys and the first couple weeks were cool.

It was a two-bedroom place, each bedroom with two beds and a private bathroom. My roommate was a nice guy for an outright racist. He was really fond of sweet tea and Black Velvet Canadian Whiskey. The dude I hung out with most was still kind of an ass, but not so much so that I couldn't hang out, play video games and smoke with him. There were several hundred man-hours of Guitar Hero played in that apartment, which is why I'm still pretty awesome at it now. I had a girlfriend at the time and I was an arts editor at the college paper so I spent as little time there as possible, which fortunately was pretty much just when I was sleeping. But things went sour for me at school that semester, and I had to drop out in December. I spent a lot more time there in the spring semester. It sucked. For one, the third roommate was the biggest prick I've ever known in my life. So much so that I would have fucked his ugly girlfriend merely for revenge purposes. To this day my biggest regret is that I forgot to upper deck his toilet before I moved out.

Anyway, the dude who lived in his room, who was cool, transferred to Abington campus at the end of fall semester. So the prick had one room to himself and my roommate and I shared a room. When my roommate and the prick moved home for the summer and a friend of mine needed a place to stay for the summer, I let him sublet. Obviously, with an open bedroom (one that had a much-better functioning air conditioner) I moved to the prick's bedroom and let my friend stay in my room. It was a good summer. But when the prick discovered I was staying in "his" room--you know, the one with two open beds--he put a padlock on the door. I removed the padlock and continued to sleep in there. He had his dad fight his battles with me over the phone. The most angry I've ever gotten was on the phone with his father. I don't remember now what he said to me, exactly, but it was not a brief conversation. I was shaking with fury when it was over. I think he told me to grow up and be a man or something, which was hilarious coming from his mouth considering his piece of shit son. I don't know the guy. I think I met him once or twice. But if results are what count he's on the shortlist for worst fathers in America.

Needless to say, I wasn't renewing my lease there. The other guys were, so they got someone to take my spot on the lease. My prick roommate gave him his set of keys because obviously I was still using mine. There were about 10 days to go until my lease was up and until the guy had the legal right to move in. The guy moved in while I was at work, moved all of my stuff out of his bedroom and into the hallway, and locked the door. I got home after midnight, discovered this, and heard Futurama on the TV in the bedroom. Door was locked. I pounded on it for a while, to no response. Didn't know what to do. Called the police, and they were really great. I feel bad that they made the guy move his stuff out while I unsuccessfully attempted to sleep on the crappy futon in the living room with no A/C on an 80-degree night. But them's the breaks. Maybe if I had some prior notice as to why, when or how this dude was moving into my place, or maybe if he didn't throw all my stuff into the hallway, things would have been fine. But that wasn't the case.

removing the tomatoes doesn't remove the tomato taste

Wawa has been granted a temporary reprieve for this ballin sandwich

fuck tomatoes, I wish people still thought they were poisonous

I like ketchup but not tomatoes.

All tomato everything plz

Did not realize I was droarding hard last night

pg-13

PrattRules wrote:I like ketchup but not tomatoes.

Ditto. Tomatoes taste briny, and I can't stand briny. Ketchup doesn't.

thanks for the story bj. wild man.

yeah no problem. i probably could have cut that down a lot but i was hungover and not feeling like it

women's tennis, goddamn.

SK790 wrote:women's tennis, goddamn.

They make noises that keep my interest up

my interest

Monica Seles and a JC Penney's catalog

Missin u adolescence

tomatos are awesome. Best non-meat sandwich in the world is tomato and mayo. Lots of salt.

it's pretty awesome how they all wear a tight-fitting sundresses. whoever thought of that deserves a raise.

Barry Jive wrote:THIS IS A LONG STORY....
Needless to say, I wasn't renewing my lease there. The other guys were, so they got someone to take my spot on the lease. My prick roommate gave him his set of keys because obviously I was still using mine. There were about 10 days to go until my lease was up and until the guy had the legal right to move in. The guy moved in while I was at work, moved all of my stuff out of his bedroom and into the hallway, and locked the door. I got home after midnight, discovered this, and heard Futurama on the TV in the bedroom. Door was locked. I pounded on it for a while, to no response. Didn't know what to do. Called the police, and they were really great. I feel bad that they made the guy move his stuff out while I unsuccessfully attempted to sleep on the crappy futon in the living room with no A/C on an 80-degree night. But them's the breaks. Maybe if I had some prior notice as to why, when or how this dude was moving into my place, or maybe if he didn't throw all my stuff into the hallway, things would have been fine. But that wasn't the case.

what a life, Jive

I'm imagining how PhightOn! might have handled your last escapade

Tomatoes are cool but ketchup is definitely way better. On the order of grape's superiority to grapes.

Grotewold wrote: On the order of grape's superiority to grapes.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm